Disclaimer: Names of people, places, and other things will be given a pseudonym or general term (i.e. 'former friend', 'team a', 'university/college').
I love talking. I love writing. I love typing and broadcasting every single thought that blossoms in my mind and yet for once the worlds are failing me. I've revised this piece over and over, scrapping and scoffing over my fumbling to express the simplest but brightest joy I have to share with the world.
As you are reading this, my legal name has finally been changed to Nora on every single document, even my birth certificate. My gender label is female on everything.
The last time I answered to that name with genuine intent was 2 years ago now. I've felt as if I was walking around with a stolen ID. anytime I showed it to get my medication I'd usually receive a look of disbelief until they either came to the conclusion or didn't bother to question it. In my back pocket was a piece of someone's life that was a lie. Saying it felt like a curse or an insult and seeing it just felt almost mocking. It taunted me, refusing to let go of the past I had long moved on from. But now that's finally changed. the soul of a fragile kid has finally been put to rest. No matter who may detest, he is finally gone.
Growing up I always considered nicknames or possible pseudonyms. I had shuffled around 3 nicknames that were variants of the name now lost, but none truly stuck to me. I started to test various names within the games I played, seeing how I felt about each one. And finally one stuck. A key to a lock, worn by age and the strain of misled solutions. Nora felt right. It felt perfect actually.
My parents both found out accidentally. For my dad I send him a screenshot from my swim team group chat that had Nora as my name, and for my mom I had gotten her coffee with it. It took a little bit of adjusting but things finally eased out. Slowly as time has passed I've come out to everyone in the family, willingly or hesitantly- but I'm out, entirely, permanently, forever. But the ID felt like a ticking time bomb in my pocket and soon enough I'd need to go through the long process of diffusing it.
For those who don't know the process of a name change in the US, it can be a tedious and daunting process with tons of road bumps depending on where you live & what resources you have access to. It's not cheap, and to complete all the necessary forums can often require you to spend 200-400 dollars in fees alone (not including obtaining resources like notaries or a therapist). I've spent the past year establishing resources and a plan of action to finally and successfully complete something that shouldn't necessarily be as hard as it is. Fingerprinting, background checks, forums, meetings, endlessly feeling as if I'd never reach the end, and yet here I am.
I haven't been able to start hormones or anything else, not out of my own volition but because of something holding me back, so this really feels like my first real victory after being out for two years. In concept it feels so minuscule, but it's far from that. The past is finally being laid to rest like it should have long ago. With every small step of progress made during the process I felt truly on top of the world and for the next few days I had this burst of energy and strength, I felt unstoppable. It felt like a drug.
Trans joy is truly indescribable to those who cannot experience it. There is no feeling worth living for more than trans joy and trans love. As I write this I am reminded of the endless and eternal beauty that comes from these moments. I've read a story of a man who quit nicotine cold turkey so that he could get his top surgery and had little to no effects of withdrawal. I've seen those in the deepest pits of depression able to keep fighting because of the victories they're able to get.
Being trans is far from easy, and it's harder than it ever should be. Nevertheless, we persist. Any fire lit by hate is finite and will soon exhaust, but the flames of compassion brought ablaze by trans people are built on love, strength, and perseverance. Trans joy is abundant and infinite. It can be so absurdly rough at times to live through the endless headlines and harassment, but I'd never give up being trans.
Being me.
Being Nora.