Surprise! Couldn’t help myself but seek a 6th piece to round out the year. Most of my writing reflects on the past, so I forget to think about the future. As a trans person it feels weird to even think of. I don’t know many older trans people. I sob anytime I see a trans parent, or a trans senior. They’ve made it so far, and I thought I would die before 25.
So. Let us flip the script. What was this year, and what awaits my soul in the next?
I came out to my whole family this year, accepted or not. I was freed from having to hear my deadname (or at least without me correcting some who opposed it, I gift a bird to them). Speaking of, I got my name changed legally on everything. I cried when I saw my birth certificate. I became a writer in march, and now here we are with this project. On average each main series piece received over 300 unique reads, with my first one hitting 900 recently. 900 different people- people I don’t even know- have read my work. I watched some of my friends transition too. I watched a friend start Testosterone, and I sobbed from joy at the news. I experienced trans love firsthand for the first time. I rebelled in ways that I only could have dreamed of in High School. I made 16 year-old me proud.
This wasn’t without loss though. I lost family, I lost friends, and I lost the passion that kept me running as a kid. I said an ever so painful goodbye to swimming. My body caved to dysphoria, and part of me truly believed I let it win by quitting. I did the opposite in fact. At last, I layed a good friend to rest. I learned how to let go without crimson stained hands. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I embraced the feeling of ‘being cringe’, and I created a person for myself. I found an existence that felt beautiful. I cut my hair short without feeling dysphoric. I rest now with 7 inches off my head, and a smile on my face.
I live without regret, and birthed with boundless love for the act of creation only gods could dream of. I could end it here with a smile on my face. But if anything, I’m always starved for more. A glutton to the intoxication of self nativity. Training endlessly in ways that my swimming career could never equal. So I live to become my own god.
Two years ago I believed I’d always keep my gender a secret, sidelined to assimilate with bland normality. Finally I will break the chains that have held me back. And with that I make the announcement that I have been able to schedule an appointment for a HRT consultation. With that I’m also getting to seek laser (shaving every morning is truly a hell I want to rid myself of). I plan to begin vocal training to start the year, along with attempting to gain a healthy relationship with working out. I’d like to broaden my creative projects, although I’ve been impatient, starting to diversify with various writing genres and even an audio logging piece on social media (which if I can find a way to bring it to my website, I just might).
What started as my class assignment has grown into a being beyond myself. A creation evoking emotions from those I never expected to impact. With that I thank everyone who continues to read my work. I’m grateful for the support of my parents, my friends, and even past lovers who’ve continued to read along with my life.
To my trans siblings: Never forget the future. It’s easy to burden yourself with heavy thoughts of a cruel world, but we are stronger than that. Love is infinite, and the act of creation is the gift we hold. Try things you haven’t previously. Do things that bring you love, without seeking to assimilate with a pathetic society of cisnormativity. If you’re questioning, question! Experiment! There is nothing more beautiful than the act of self discovery.
Happy new year, xoxo.