Disclaimer: This will be a more emotionally invested piece and will discuss my experiences within relationships regarding my transition. Names of people and other things may be censored by a pseudonym, label, or general term (i.e 'Person A', 'Team 2', 'Former friend').
I've never been the most aware of my feelings or my identity, and I've had a lot of people assist me throughout my transition. From my parents to teammates - even my coaches and friends; no one has had more impact though than my former partners.
I've always been queer, and everyone knew it. My first long-term relationship knew that too, and we'd talk about things surrounding queer identities. Clothing, drag, makeup, music, etc. Many musicians and media influences we both followed were queer (she is a diehard Elton John fan), and it extended to various forms of expression. We'd seen Tiktoks with guys in makeup and painted nails, even the crazy phase of men in maid outfits. While a lot of her hobbies were more media oriented such as film and performance, mine weren't. I was significantly involved in swimming and would talk about my discomforts with my body often with her. Once we were significantly into the relationship, I remember her posing a question to me one afternoon. I cannot remember the specific phrasing, but I do remember it being something along the lines of "Do you think you dislike your body not because you're not 'skinny enough', but because you're not feminine enough?". She was right, and it stuck with me. I had complained about my shoulders and waist being too wide, and my neck too thick. Little did I realize this sentence would be the first of many steps toward finding myself.
Covid approached and soon we would see each other less and less. We'd communicate more through social media, especially TikTok. I'd see all these thirst traps with men in makeup and nails, and I couldn't get it out of my head. But once she and I had been able to hang out once again, I found myself teasing and making jokes about these concepts. I even at some point tried to make some sort of bet (I cannot remember what the bet was); if I lost, she could paint my nails. She had told me the (very obvious) fact that I wanted it anyways, but I was just too scared to ask. So she finally agreed and one night painted my nails yellow before I left her house. For the first time, I found myself obsessively taking photos in the mirror, making sure my hands were visible. It felt weird, but I was obsessed. I had no clue how to do my nails at the time, but yet I wanted them always painted. She'd always do them whenever they'd chip or peel from the swimming. Looking back I'm shocked she was able to handle doing them almost weekly.
Months passed and soon we branched out to doing my makeup too. I remember the first time she did some soft eyeshadow. I took a lot of photos and while I enjoyed them, I wanted more. I finally got her to do heavy eyeliner for me, using the concept of a 'thirst trap' where I was a man wearing makeup. Now I have one photo that I still smile at to this day. It was the first time I took a photo of myself that I genuinely loved. I didn't feel like a man in makeup, I felt like a woman. I became obsessed with makeup too. since I didn't know how to do eyeliner or paint my nails, I always had to ask for her help. She did my makeup every weekend, she did it for when I had to do a test in person at my high school, she did it for prom, and she did it for my graduation. The last time she did it we had gone to the beach and I had found I felt so insanely insecure. She came up with the perfect solution, and it was so simple. She did my makeup, and we went out and explored the area that night, our last real night together. I can't express how grateful I am for what she did, I may have never figured it out without her introducing me to nail polish and makeup. That yellow nail polish is still by far my favorite one, and I can't believe how one simple coat of paint started it all.
After high school I started to transition publicly, I changed my name & started to learn how to do makeup on my own (and it was a rough learning curve, but I've finally figured it out now). By then I was starting to meet people as Nora, and I met who would become my partner in my second long-term relationship. We'd become friends while I was with my previous partner, and she'd seen my makeup and was one of the last people to see me before my transition. She witnessed the beginning of my public transition and always made me feel valid as a woman. I was her first girlfriend and she was my first partner as I grew into being a woman. I had started to learn makeup but I had never considered an important new factor: clothing. Early on in our relationship, she handed me my first piece of shapewear: a padded bra. I immediately started wearing it, and I adored it. She'd give me makeup, and help me find tons of clothing to help me feel better about who I was. She gave me my first perfume bottle and showed me so many more things I didn't know about makeup. I'd often send her photos of my eyeliner asking her if my wings were even (I always was a perfectionist about it). Many of the products I use now are either gifts I'm still using or new things inspired by what she had given (or rebuys of various products).
Both of these relationships are now in the past. They had their ups and their downs, but their impact will last a lifetime. I've talked about these stories with people countless times, expressing how important these memories were to me. When starting this project, I knew I'd want to talk about these stories too. I'm grateful to both of them for giving me permission to write about the impacts they had. I still wear the jewelry they gave me, and I still use the makeup advice they gave me too. My life is my own, but I'm not alone in my path through my transition. From relationships to family, and to friends. Thank you for holding my hand as I walked through it all.
A note for my former relationships discussed in this article:
If either of you ends up reading this, thank you. I may have never been able to finally become who I am now if not for your help from you. Thank you for letting me write about the experiences that I'll never forget. Thank you for showing me makeup, for showing me clothing, and for helping me find myself. I'll forever be grateful for what you've done, and will never forget the impact you've had on me. I wish nothing but the best for both of you.